I was long embarrassed over my painful and difficult upbringing.
There was nothing healthy or exceptional about my childhood. My parents divorced when I was very young – about 3. They hated each other and by extension my father was none too fond of me and moved far away and started a new family. Seldom did I hear from him. My mother and step-father were alcoholics and I believe my mother self-medicated to numb the mental illness that plagued her.
Of course as a little girl none of this was evident. I just understood back then that I had to stay low and tread lightly because the situation was volatile and often unsafe, especially when I became the object of my mother’s frequent explosive and violent temper.
In other words my childhood was pretty much a war zone.
Although this chaos was vaguely defined back then, we’ve come a long way in identifying the effects of this kind of childhood emotional turmoil. Today it’s called developmental or complex trauma and my story of dysfunction is unfortunately not unusual or unique. Quite the opposite, trauma – and the difficult emotions like anxiety, shame, depression, and anger tethered to it – are of epidemic proportions in our culture.
But back then in my little kid brain all I could see was that there was something terribly wrong with me given how I was demeaned and neglected. As a young adult I tasked myself with being a super achiever and perfectionist to prove to others that I could earn their approval. It’s exhausting and futile because if you don’t believe yourself worthy, then no amount of acceptance from out there is going to change your thinking.
This painful pattern calcified in full-on adulthood as I desperately grasped for high profile accomplishments that would assure my acceptance by others. As a university journalism major, I discovered I loved to write and create. I went on to have a career as a news reporter and executive producer in TV and radio and eventually owning and publishing a magazine. I enjoyed this media work and was good at it – but knowing what I know now, the high visibility of being a news anchor, reporter and publisher fed my insatiable need to “be seen” and admired. This makes sense now with my science-based insights and perspectives (later in life, I trained both as an emotions therapist and clinical nutritionist, which was steeped in the biological sciences).
Do you know when you’re in rational brain or lizard brain?🦎
With the current brain science available, it’s clear that the on-going childhood abuse resulted in my primitive “lizard” brain being in charge most often – that is, I was frequently, what’s clinically called, emotionally aroused. In other words, my physiology was so used to being in crisis mode that I lived with a body and brain that whispered or screamed (depending on the perceived “threat”) most of the time, “be afraid, be very afraid.” I would alternatively be in panic, lash out in anger, or fall into despair.
Maybe you have sudden emotional outbursts but can’t pinpoint it to anything that took hold in childhood? Perhaps you don’t even remember but tangle with difficult emotions occasionally to frequently? Or just have an on-going feeling of apathy that makes you feel bored or uninterested in life? (Does this ring familiar for you? Click here and let me know.)
If you’ve taken the time to read this and if any of this resonates for you, your intuition is beckoning you to get in touch with this shadow part of yourself. Because when we have the skills to receive what we’re feeling and know how to respond, then we can begin peeling off the layers of trauma – a little or a lot – that are keeping you small and unhappy.
If this resonates for you, my 8-week Fall of YOUR Awakening is coming up in October. I’m not promoting it in any big way yet. But I like to register people who know NOW that they want to do this – and an early commitment means significant early savings for you. So take a look at this Fall Masterclass Course and if you’re called, hop on my interest list as I will be in touch soon.
With Love,
Becca
What People Are Saying…
“To her growing community, Becca excels at prompts to look at things in a new way by combining responses to emotional triggers with a new sense of stability.”
– Athena, Colorado
“Letting memories come up and remembering and dealing with certain memories AND having you as a teacher, host, and guide is truly incredible.”
– Julie M, Florida
“With Becca’s approach I gained new tools and felt safe enough to delve into the deeply buried emotions from my past. Through this work, I was able to meet and greet these difficult emotions without judgment, and question how they served me. This process allowed me to stand with my emotions introspectively and create new and effective ways to deal with them. Thank you for your love, Becca!”
– Sharon K, Germany
“Becca helped me realize the power of meditation and talking and listening to my heart. The cannabis helped me focus – so I don’t have a racing brain during meditation. It helped me to focus on what is bothering me. Now I use it more as a medicine to help me to guide me on my path.”
– Garfield W, Colorado
“I am so happy I found you. As a person who suffered from cptsd and social anxiety amongst the other things I have always approached smoking in this way. Everything about this enlivens my heart with gratitude and just plain yeeeeeeesssss!”
– LoveLoveStrong, Youtube