This is the 2nd week installment of my mission over 52 weeks (all of 2025) to uncover the countless ways I catch myself judging my appearance – or how I imagine others might judge me. (Note: this series will not replace my regular blogs but I’m tackling this because self-body shaming is one of the few lingering patterns that hasn’t evolved alongside my emotional growth and maturity. If you want to catch up on the introduction to this self-assignment, you can go here.)
This week: Thigh gap phobia
In earlier years, it use to be a morning ritual. I’d get out of bed, stand up, put my legs together and look down to see if I had “space” between my thighs – that coveted thigh gap. Over my life, I’ve been hefty and I’ve been skinny, but always, I kept an eye on the thigh gap. When I didn’t have one, I felt fat and ashamed. When I had one, I told myself it wasn’t enough. I’d bend down and pull the fat back from the front of my legs and take a glance at how much better it could look.
Believe me, my skin crawls just saying that last part out loud. But that’s the point of this self-imposed experiment. I’m saying these things out loud publicly so that I can confront them, challenge their power over me, and maybe inspire others to question their own internal narratives.
While I don’t do the morning assessing anymore, when I’m in front of a mirror I’ve always scanned my body, eyes darting to my thighs and evaluating the gap situation. But that little perverse ritual got a welcome kick in the butt recently when I started group weight lifting sessions – and learned that I’d have to say goodbye to the gap.
Liberation from the thigh gap
Our petite hard bodied instructor, Claudia, who’s one of those forever upbeat, funny, smart and refreshingly direct people, pointed out to me that our regular strength training builds leg muscles which will fill in the gap! At first, I thought it was a cruel irony – the pursuit of a toned, fit body eliminates the very feature some people are striving to achieve.
It was a day I remember well in that, at first, I was startled by the thought of letting go of this shame goblin that had subtly kept me fixated on my perceived flaws. But then, later, I watched myself gaining ease with the idea that fitness meant no thigh gap (for me anyway). It’s been a remarkable and recent 180-degree shift in perspective for me – eliminating one more way I’ve been prone to self-critical “trash talk.”
As a woman whose sense of identity has been closely tied to her appearance, this shift has been incredibly liberating. Of course, the thigh gap is merely another marker of unattainable ideals that equates thinness with worth, beauty, and self-control.
As we go along, there are many other subtle self-criticisms that I’ll be uncovering as they come into my awareness. But recognizing this one – the thigh gap as a distorted beauty standard – serves as a powerful reminder of how societal pressures can warp our perceptions of health and well-being.
Funny that we can have these conversations about young women, who feel pressured to mold their bodies into unreal shapes dictated by fleeting trends and fashions, leading to issues such as low self-esteem, eating disorders, and body dysmorphia. But here I am, at age 69, still untangling myself from those same pressures, proving that these beauty standards don’t have an expiration date on their influence.
But this journey isn’t about erasing every self-critical thought – it’s about learning to spot the patterns and dismantle the power they hold over us. It’s about redefining beauty and health on our own terms, at any age. Whether you’re a woman or man, do you see ways that you might be judging yourself and how it might feel to let it go? I invite you to drop down to the comments section and let me know.
With Love,
Becca
P.S. If this resonates with you and you’re ready to dive deeper into untangling your own self-critical patterns (women and men), I’d love for you to join me at one of two retreats I’m hosting this May. It’ll be a safe and enjoyable space to explore these ideas, connect with like-minded souls, and redefine what self-love and empowerment mean to you. Let’s take this journey together—one thoughtful step at a time.
So great to see you weight training – really important for everyone, more so for our age group!
David 💚 So funny, Claudia, our trainer, read the piece and said: “Nice!! 🥰 The thigh gap only shows weak, undeveloped adductor muscles, no thigh gap for us!” LOL!
I can’t believe those pairs of legs are yours, Rebecca. But whatever thigh gap or not that you have, you’re beautiful just the way you are. So quit obsessing. And believe me when you hit the age decade of the 70s there’s much more “fun” in store for your body. Accept it and love it. You’re alive and healthy, right? ENJOY!
XO
Rosemary
Thank you, Rosemary! Actually, it’s not about obsessing in the way you suggest. It’s more about an internal dialogue I’ve carried on for decades – an endless loop of self-criticism and judgment about my appearance that I kept hidden from the world.
This “UNshaming” project is my way of confronting those hidden critiques, shining a light on them by first becoming aware of how pervasive they are (because they can creep in so subtly!) and then giving voice to what I silently endured. By expressing these thoughts out loud, I hope to transform the shame into understanding, self-compassion, and ultimately, freedom from them.