I recently stumbled upon your website. I closely fit with the not-yet-acknowledged diagnosis of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). At 50-years old, it’s hard to believe that this goes on. But sadly, I’m certain that I’m one of only millions.
It’s become quite clear that while I was looking at Ayahuasca, MDMA therapy, etc. as possibly assisting in my healing, the marijuana I’ve been using for many years may very well be the “plant medicine” that I needed all along. In fact when I spoke with my therapist about feeling like marijuana was falling away as my friend because it kept me from healing – due to the fact that it was no longer enjoyable, she urged me to continue, and to use it spiritually. She recommended using it and performing alternate-hand writing, dialoguing with this hurt/angry child, etc. I was skeptical.
Currently, I’m weaning off of Clonazepam and plan to move to none in a timeframe that is feasible. Unfortunately, an intimate relationship went south and so did my mental health. I become depressed to the point of not being able to perform tasks. Currently, I feel regressed, and the child within is physically rearing its head. I’m impatiently sitting with this.
However, I began meditating and using marijuana, and almost immediately nail-biting stopped (my earliest form of self-harm). I didn’t even consciously wish to stop that behavior. So I continued Vipassana Meditation [observing thoughts, feelings and sensations without reacting or judging] until the pain became so great, (as I now know, because of the physical abuse I suffered as a young child, along with the emotional and psychological mind-fuck I’d experienced) that I had to stop.
When I read your words, “wounded healer” that has been my mindset for more years than I can recall. I am trying to simply allow the sensations and feelings to pass and allow the tears to flow, the anger to surface and the memories to float into awareness on their time, not mine.
Although I remain stuck in the fog, I wish to pursue this path of healing. I know, as a trained therapist, that my heart wishes to help others, but I must continue to help and support my Self.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
– Ed R.