When your grown kids ignore you

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Jessica is in her late 40’s and has a rough-and-tumble relationship with her adult kids.

They keep her at arms-length. They’re often short with her and don’t share what’s going on in their lives.

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As their mom, Jessica’s desperate for connection with them and finds herself groveling for their attention and love.

She’s also racked with guilt because she’s a completely different person than she was when she raised them. All these many years later, she recognizes the error of her ways. She’s done the tough work to explore and heal from the trauma that had created her self-limiting patterns and beliefs that sabotaged her close relationships.

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If you’re a mom or a dad of adult kids, does this sound familiar?

As adults we do the best we can with what we have and what we were taught ourselves as children. Perhaps, as a child, you remember a parent or other caregiver whose emotions could turn on a dime and you were forever on edge as to which side would emerge… would you be loved-up or pushed away (or worse)?

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If you never learned how to create intimate, loving, connecting relationships, how are you magically going to step up and raise your own kids when your toolbox is empty of these skills?

Instead, the unhealthy behaviors – moodiness, explosive anger, deep sadness, heightened anxiety and low self-esteem are what are passed-along and laid on them instead. Tragically, the “close” relationships we long to create, end up being alienating and years later these adult kids put up walls to keep that hurtful energy out, while often finding unhealthy coping mechanisms for themselves.

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Of course, you don’t recognize this unless you do the work to transform your own life – where you’re no longer a slave to those unruly and difficult emotions that ran you in earlier years. But your kids don’t know (or trust) that you will be a different way with them.

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I see parents spinning their wheels trying to have a “re-do” with their now adult kids

So where do you go from here? Do you sentence yourself to your own personal hell believing that it’s all your fault and you deserve the cold shoulder and ill temperaments?

It’s a question that many of my clients and students put on the table as their emotional healing reveals a sharper view of their former unhealthy behaviors. But as they come to understand the trauma that underpinned their actions, self-forgiveness and self-love come into sharp focus. And it’s these ingredients that form the foundation for moving forward with the authentic intention of healing their close relationships.

Is there a happy ending to this story?

There can be a happy ending for you… that is releasing yourself from the hell you thought you deserved. As you do the work to reveal your TRUE SELF to your self, you come to understand that you now know what you didn’t know back then. And know that you can do now what you couldn’t do back then, which is to handle and make similar situations okay now that weren’t okay back then. That’s a mouthful, maybe read it twice;)

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When you transform and shed the emotions that have been controlling you, you are ready to open a new chapter in your relationship with your adult kids. Will they respond to your entreaty? There’s no guarantee… the only guarantee will be that you will be a happier, healthier and more loving person. And with that role modeling, miracles can happen.

This is what we do in my 8-week Emotional Expansion Masterclass Courses. There’s one coming up in July/August. If you’d like to learn about it and get more information, I invite you to go here.

And if you have thoughts or questions on this, hit reply and let me know!

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With Love,

Becca

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6 thoughts on “When your grown kids ignore you”

Kery

May 25, 2021 at 2:36 pm

This article is very timely! I am currently spending time with my son out of state. During this week I am observing him raise his children and I see me! Mostly good going on, yay! However I heard my son tell his kids a few times that he felt he deserved every punishment and every whipping he got because he was a bad kid most of the time. I’ve heard this proclamation a few times before, and we all laughed at it. This time it was different! I told him, no that wasn’t always true. I was the one who was in the wrong and I was taking my issues with abandonment, distrust and trauma out on him as I punished him. It was an amazing revelation with a beautiful outcome! I don’t know for sure if I would have ever been able to recognize this truth without this Emotional Liberation course, but I tell you what, I know for sure it played a very positive and significant part. For that, I am honored and excited to have this invite for the Summer session. The discoveries are limitless and oh so beneficial for my healing!
- Becca Williams
  
  May 26, 2021 at 8:00 am
  
  Thanks for your “field report”. What you’re witnessing is “intergenerational trauma” where trauma symptoms and behaviors are passed along the family line. Trauma affects the way someone parents, and parenting affects the way a child thinks and behaves into adulthood (unless there’s intervention).
  
  As the matriarch in your family you do have the power to, if not stop the pass-along abuse, to at least influence it, as you are doing… speaking up and affirming your new perspective and why you view corporal punishment through new eyes. As I mention above, role modeling from your place of healing can be quite instructive. I admire your trajectory.
Rosemary

May 25, 2021 at 2:45 pm

Lucky me, I didn’t have children. But it goes both ways, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t children also reach out to their parents and make amends? They’re the only “mom & dad” you’ve got. I urge all readers of this excellent discussion to extend yourselves before it’s too late.
- Becca Williams
  
  May 26, 2021 at 2:11 pm
  
  Hi! I believe it goes both ways. I also have adult clients/students who came from abusive childhood environments but have done the emotional recovery work and healed themselves from the abuse inflicted upon them as kids. In other words, they’ve changed but their parent continues to be abusive (emotionally or mentally – can’t be physically abusive anymore) plying the same toxic behaviors and patterns as they did in raising their kids.
  
  With the deep healing work that my clients/students have done on themselves, they are breaking free from this cycle of intergenerational trauma and rewriting the trajectory of their lives. With this equation, healthy adult children do the most healthy thing they can – and that is usually maintain an arms-length relationship with parents who are cold and difficult.
  
  Once my clients/students understand the inability of their parent(s) to form intimate, connecting relationships because of the trauma they themselves carry, it’s easier to navigate these thorny relationships with compassion and love. Even when a parent (who was traumatized as a child) can’t do more than connect with their adult child on trivial matters – for example, the weather or their senior center activities, often their adult kids who are emotionally healed can meet their parent “where they are”. Not always though, when a person has been abused as a child continuing a relationship with their abuser (who hasn’t changed), can be very triggering for the adult child to spend time with their abuser.
David

March 7, 2022 at 12:22 pm

Our kids had a super mom and an ok dad I guess, they are both nearby but living their own lives without their parents hovering over them.
- Becca Williams
  
  March 7, 2022 at 2:06 pm
  
  and….?